[ Poor Resolution ]

I want to bring grace and good humor into the world. 
I do not want to be a part of any situation that fosters harm, insult, or negativity in any form.

In 2010, I want to learn happiness habits. 
I have struggled with depression for a long time now, and as I get older it just gets worse. I want to break my habits of fear, insecurity, and negative thoughts. I want to develop habits that reflect the kind of person I want to be. I want to learn how to stick to my guns and be more assertive. I want to be the change I wish for in the world. I want to learn how to respond compassionately instead of reacting. I want to be strong enough to ignore all the conflicting messages we are bombarded with every day.

I am going to use this blog as more of a tool, a way to stick to my plans and track my growth. Here are some of the ways I can achieve my goals and find success in 2010:

Keep a gratitude journal: Researchers have discovered that writing down three things you are grateful for every day and reflecting on it helps you sleep better, elevates your mood and does all kinds of good things for your mind and body. I can do that!

Wear what I wanna wear: And in turn, I'll be practicing assertiveness and putting my best face forward.
I often don't wear the clothing I'd like out of fear of being harassed by stupid males, or having people make certain assumptions about me and then treating me disrespectfully or with condescension. I avoid conflict, and even mild debate, like the plague. I am not one to do what I want and gleefully say "fuck you" to all the haters. Maybe I could learn a gentler way... I could try to remember to say "I'm sorry that something about my dress bothers you so much, but that's not really my problem."

Avoid the menfolk: One of the biggest patterns in my life has been falling for boys, and then falling away and becoming more jaded and miserable. I tend to lose myself when it comes to relationships, and I'm not one for casual hookups either. Most of the boys I meet exhibit that overwhelming tendency toward self-righteousness ignorance and I always find myself compromising way too much (in hindsight) in order to avoid an argument about something that doesn't matter. Sooo, I am not going to waste any more of my precious time or energy on something that does not bring me happiness. What I really want is support, kindness and joy, and I think I'll have a much better chance of finding that in new friends than in a man-child.

Make daily practice change my reality: It takes three months of daily practice to form a new habit, so there's no reason to think that this one blog entry will change my life. I need to commit to a daily practice of reading, writing, reflecting, creating. I am a big one for inspirational quotes, so I'm going to find my favorites and make sure to go over them every morning. Remind myself of who I want to be, where I am going and how I want to get there. I can change the neural pathways in my brain that tell me I am unhappy, but it's not going to be easy.

Focus on what's important and for me right now, that is trying to find my path. I want to create, to sew and put pretty things into the world both emotionally and physically. Making something gives me a thrill and a calm that sitting around drinking at a party just does not provide me. It's a lonely road, but hopefully this new focus will bring unexpected rewards. Baby steps will get me somewhere, as long as I keep putting one foot in front of the other and trying to not run off in all directions.

The single most confusing habit of most humans is the tendency to forget we are all the same. Everyone deserves respect; you don't have to like someone or agree with their ideas/hobbies/fashion sense, but you do need to remember that everyone is different but equal.

I feel that one way to make the world a better place is to not constantly trumpet your opinions and snap judgments as though they are Truth. It's like word vomit. People react to the little things as though they are a physical threat, which leads to anger, defensiveness, and ugly behavior. And the more you give in to this behavior and mind-set, the more your mind tells you it's right.

What I hate is all the ignorance in play, and so I guess ultimately the only control I have is over my own actions. No matter what you do or do not do, there will always be people who love it or hate it, who appreciate you or want to destroy you to make themselves feel better.

So I'm taking a cue from the penguins and I'm marching onward.


  1. Very nice blog ! It would be great if you would link my blog. Greetz from Germany

  2. Wow, good for you girl! I don't even know you and I'm proud of you! I can also totally relate to your depressive state of mind, I want to write more, but I fear people's reactions, and that I'm not any good at it, those sorts of things. I also don't always dress as maybe, boundary pushing as I want to. I'm a funky girl, and sometimes I hold that back a little for fear of people's reactions. I'll ignore the naysayers with you! Happy Holidays, your New Year's resolution has made a follower out of me :)

  3. thankyou so much for the comment you left me! i love this post. i suffer from depression too, so i know what it's like. a gratitude journal is awesome, i think i am going to relaunch mine again in 2010 too


  4. Wearing what I want to wear is a goal of mine as well. It's going to be a challenge at the start, but my goal is to try and start wearing more dresses even in colder weather...

    Anyway, being on a year long wardrobe ban will force me to wear what I want to wear in my closet!

    Gosh I want to cuddle that baby penguin... !!

    Style on a String :: Because style has nothing to do with money.

  5. I feel among kindred spirits here. I admire and respect your determination and will be watching your progress. You only pass through this life once, being true to yourself makes this journey not merely bearable but pleasurable.

    As a project coordinator/CAD designer who helped others achieve their goals and vision, I decided several years ago to return to my original dream, and took a drastic salary cut to grow my own design atelier. I barter caregiver services for my elderly parents in exchange for studio space and a warm bed. It's been challenging, but I have made it through this recession and continue to grow. My goal for 2010 is to not allow others perception of my age (56) dictate how I live, dress or conduct my life.

    Merry Christmas, and let's raise a glass to New Beginnings in 2010!


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